Radio Presenter Shaffie Weru (right) with Socialite Vera Sidika at
Flamingo Beach Resort in an event to usher in the new year in this photo
taken on January 01, 2015. PHOTO| KEVIN ODIT |
NATION MEDIA GROUP
In Summary
- Your role models should be the likes of Kim Kardashian and closer home, Vera Sidika. My advice; work towards having a big posterior. Enrol in a gym and do those squats. Take the stairs and maximise your gluteal.
- There is a new trend in photoshoots these days; it is called ‘naked art’. It is nothing serious. It just requires you to strip for the camera and take photos of you in the nude.
- Be the ultimate Nairobi Socialite. Attend classy events like Masaku Sevens, Blankets and Wine, Koroga Festival and ensure you take as many photos as possible for Instagram.
Because being a young woman is so hard, I
thought I should offer my fellow women in this age bracket a few
nuggets of wisdom on how to be the ultimate Nairobi Chic.
1. LOOKS ARE EVERYTHING:
The
true mark of the ultimate Nairobi chic is a sizeable posterior. A big,
round, firm butt is all you need to succeed in this city.
Your
role models should be the likes of Kim Kardashian and closer home, Vera
Sidika. My advice; work towards having a big posterior. Enrol in a gym
and do those squats. Take the stairs and maximise your gluteal.
Do
all these, because nobody ever wrote a song about a small butt. To make
sure your posterior is properly exhibited for the world to see, ensure
your dress code is tight clothing.
A body-hugging,
sheath-like dress outlining all your curves is best. While dressing up,
please, do not leave any room for imagination. It doesn’t matter if the
tights are outlining your cellulite and nether regions. That’s the trend
and you are a trendy young woman in Nairobi, desperate to keep up.
To
complete your Nairobi Chic’s diva look, throw on the weave. This should
be at least 13 inches long and a colour that sharply contrasts with
your skin tone. Of course, there are other accessories like acrylic
nails that you must never forget.
Whatever you do,
ensure that you resemble the Kenyan version of Kim Kardashian; humongous
posterior, scantily dressed and wavy locks.
2. GO FOR A PHOTOSHOOT:
The
competition in Nairobi is rife and you must keep all the eyeballs
fixated on you. Here’s how; enlist the services of a ‘talented’
photographer and set a date for a photoshoot.
Ensure
that you take the photos in the revealing dresses that outline your
curves for the entire world to see how blessed and endowed you are.
There
is a new trend in photoshoots these days; it is called ‘naked art’. It
is nothing serious. It just requires you to strip for the camera and
take photos of you in the nude.
If you don’t want to
go completely nude, you can cover yourself up in a bikini or a Maasai
shuka and just show us a sneak peak or ‘peekaboo’ of your posterior.
Also
make sure the photos are heavily photoshopped. Let the ‘talented’
photographer perfect his photoshop skills on your imperfections.
You
must appear three shades lighter than your natural black obsidian skin
tone in those ‘professional’ photos. Photoshop will make your skin
appear smoother and your thighs cellulite-free. Did you know that
photoshop also takes a few inches off your fatty waistline? Now you
know.
Your professionally done photos must look
completely different from the real you, so much that you are
unrecognisable in person.
Ensure you upload those pictures on social media, starting with Instagram, then Facebook.
The
idea here is to get as many comments of ‘wow, you look so beautiful’
and as many ‘likes’ as is humanly possible. People will judge you when
they see those photos. But don’t worry, they are just jealous of your
voluptuous figure. You are the only one with a ‘figure eight’ and you
must show them how blessed you are.
3. SOCIAL MEDIA IS THE CENTRE OF YOUR UNIVERSE:
You were created for social media. Without social media your life has
no meaning. You must therefore be on all social media platforms that
matter: Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Instagram is the place to be
and I am sure you know how it works.
My advice: Post
photos of just about anything happening in your life. Having cheap
coffee? Instagram it. Cooking dinner for your boyfriend? Instagram it so
that all those other girls can know that your man is taken.
How
else will they know? Did he propose? Or you suggested he proposes to
you? Instagram it. Don’t forget to attach several hashtags to go with
your picture.
The idea here is to make other girls
jealous. It is to show that your life is more interesting than that of
the rest of us. You should elicit as much envy as you can from the rest
of us who cannot afford coffee at Java and don’t have boyfriends.
Still
on Instagram, ensure you take photos of yourself from your ‘good side’—
you know, from behind — so that we can all see that sizeable posterior
that none of us is sitting on. The more ‘likes’ you get on your photo,
the happier your life will be.
4. JOIN A CULT:
Nairobi is full of demons and you must exorcise them every Sunday. What
a better way that to join a cult? There are many cults in town, like
these contemporary churches that start with ‘House of…” or
“Jubilation…”?
In joining a cult, ensure that the
pastors are young and hippie. The bishop must own a shiny four-wheel
drive and the female reverend —most likely his wife —must have a weave
that looks like yours.
Don’t bother with mainstream
churches like Catholic where you were born and raised up in. They are so
boring anyway. Join a cult whose members are preachers by day and
fornicators by night, because, aren’t we all sinners?
As
a staunch member of that cult, ensure you get close to the female
pastor. You want her to pray for you to get a husband like hers, rich
and handsome. If not, threaten to steal her husband.
5 BE A SOCIALITE:
Never mind that the true meaning of socialite is “a person who has a
reputation in upper class society for spending a significant amount of
time participating in social activities”.
Be the
ultimate Nairobi Socialite. Attend classy events like Masaku Sevens,
Blankets and Wine, Koroga Festival and ensure you take as many photos as
possible for Instagram.
For Masaku Sevens and Nakuru
Sevens, ensure you take along your boyfriend—that college sweetheart who
owns an expensive blue car— and canoodle with each other in public.
The rest of us without boyfriends who own very expensive and speedy blue cars need to see what we are missing.
Of course there are other tips like developing a fake accent, getting tattoos and nose-rings that I am sure you know of.
But
I guess the greatest piece of advice I would offer all of you is to
cultivate an attitude of ‘fake it till you make it’. You must perfect
the art of pretending to be who you are not, all for the sake of fitting
in.
Hasta la vista, baby!
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