From their writings and my academic experiences with high-achieving PhD
women, I am beginning to think that African traditions were not so
oppressive to demand that women devote more time to marriage and family
than men. FILE PHOTO | NATION MEDIA GROUP
In the four years I have been studying for my PhD, I have been
amazed at the expressions of respect and vigorous handshakes I receive
from numerous men. One notable aspect about the men is that they are 55
and above.
For them, a PhD means
higher status and intellectual ferocity. What’s even more interesting
about their expressions and handshakes is that they are almost always
followed by negative statements about their sons and young Kenyan men in
general, “Siku hizi wasichana ndio wanasoma na bidii, vijana ni bure kabisa!” Nowadays, girls are more hardworking than these useless boys, they say.
I
have heard the same criticism in different words across the
socio-economic classes. From a carpenter to upper-class corporate heads
and government elites.
I appreciate
that my years of social and psychological sacrifice have not gone
unnoticed. However, I am not excited at the prospect of being compared
with “young useless men and boys” who have refused to go to graduate
school.
EQUAL CHANCES
However,
friends who lecture at various local universities observe that there
are more women than men who are enrolled here. In fact, one lecturer
praised the scenario as an “outpouring of women.”
A
good society is one that gives both men and women chances to achieve
their goals and dreams, while a good home is one that provides equal
opportunities to both boys and girls.
However,
in the process of providing those equal opportunities, there is a
question that is not often addressed. When the young woman scales the
academic and corporate ladder, whom does she couple up with if she has
outperformed her male peers? Furthermore, if she has been educated and
raised on a feminist diet, which preaches that men are her equals, whom
on earth will she marry, if at all she attracts someone in the first
place?
The reason I ask these
questions is that in the course of my PhD studies, I have interacted
with many young women between 23 and 35 from here, as well as other
parts of the world, who are confused as to what social role they are to
play in the home and in the greater society. This confusion is never
displayed overtly because PhDs must wear a face of unwavering
confidence.
ARE WE REALLY THAT PRIVILEGED
Instead,
we congregate on the sidelines of international conferences as the
aroma of coffee, tea and sandwiches wafts in the air. Once we ensure
that the older married PhDs are out of earshot, we huddle together and
discuss our relationship status or rather the lack of men to date or
marry.
Are we really that privileged?
When will we have children if our best childbearing years are spent in
the halls of the ivory tower of academia?
And
then we unpack the infamous word: feminism. Some are quick to support
the core feminist agenda that there should be no distinction between men
and women, that we must share all the roles and responsibilities in a
home, in a society.
Others like me
are recovering feminists who support a society where men and women
complement each other as opposed to compete with each other. Others are
in between, they want the benefits of being equal with a man in terms of
how much they earn, but they would prefer if he could pay all the
bills, cook, change the baby’s diaper and clean the house.
In
the urban Kenyan context, a majority of the feminist dictum originates
from the baby boomer generation. Mothers and fathers from that
generation have a genuine and great desire for their young girls to
succeed academically and career wise.
POTENTIAL SUITORS
This
is because they grew up at a time when advanced education and a
full-time career were the preserve of a few. Some of them grew up in
homes where they underwent genital mutilation and were married off
young. Many women I have spoken to from that generation claim that they
were discouraged from getting too much education because they risked
scaring away potential suitors.
Teaching
or secretarial jobs were considered more feminine than scientific
fields such as engineering, or the pursuit of PhDs. Societal norms were
firmly shaped to encourage marriage first and career later for women.
Therefore, their desire to give their children more career options than
they had is understandable and very admirable. However, their desire is
one that is slowly inching to what I describe as the special princess
syndrome.
The Special Princess
Syndrome, as a direct result of feminist ideals, describes a condition
where a young woman is raised as a special princess whose only
responsibility is to get straight A’s in school, eat, sleep and dress up
smartly. Her greatest assets are her top grades, physical looks and the
successful career she will eventually forge. She must strive for
engineering, medicine, law or a PhD in her field of choice.
This is a sharp contrast from the mukimo, chapati and omushenye
cooking and other home-making skills her mother strived to acquire. She
grows up under a cloud of constant praise in school while her brother
is often in trouble for aggressive play and a lack of focus in school.
She is sweet, sensitive and docile, while he is rough, cheeky and
untidy.
NO PRAISE FROM MEN
When
girls in her class score the highest marks, the school is rated as a
high-performing one, but when the boys dominate the class, something
must be urgently done to help the poor girls catch up. The A student
girl grows up and goes to university. Her brother struggles to score a B
and also makes it into university.
At
university, she consistently tops the class and all the lecturers love
her. Her brother chooses to work as he studies and eventually moves into
full-time entrepreneurship. Meanwhile, she graduates and decides to
enrol in graduate school for another degree while her brother gets
married to a much younger woman with no university education. When she
graduates, her parents spend more money on her graduation party than
they did on her brother’s wedding. At all family events, she is labelled
the young successful doctor while her brother rarely gets a mention.
It
then hits her that she is 35 and not even in a relationship, and starts
giving men more attention. However, she wonders why the men she dates
do not shower her with praise because of her high level of education.
Instead, the first question they ask on most dates is whether she loves
to cook.
Such questions irritate her,
and she gives up dating men she dismissingly describes as young and
immature. She decides to spend her weekends at fancy spas and hotels
with her equally successful and single girlfriends where they heartily
discuss why there are no marriageable men.
In
the past, Kenyan men were raised to be alpha and high-achieving men who
would provide consistent financial support and leadership in their
homes. These days, they are encouraged to seek out graduate partners
with well-paying jobs and high ambition.
The writer, Faith Njeri Kibere, during an interview at Nation Centre in Nairobi on October 2, 2015. PHOTO | JAMES EKWAM
Additionally,
they grow up in homes where there is no distinction between the male
and female child. This is an action that Nigerian author Chimamanda
Ngozi Adichie advocates in her famous Ted talk "We Should All Be
Feminists". Her argument is that both boys and girls should be raised
with no distinction in the roles and tasks they perform at home. She is
adamant it is not fair to box children up in fixed roles and, therefore,
boys should be encouraged to be active in the kitchen just the same way
girls are.
Her argument is very
popular in society, one that most educated women support when they are
in public forums. However, in these four years I have been a PhD
student, it has been amusing to watch the hardest of feminists (after
too much wine or too many relationship splits) admit that they miss the
days when men would pay the bill without asking the waiter to neatly
split it.
In psychology, the act of
selecting a partner who is similar to us on variables such as
socio-economic status, ethnic origin, and intellectual and cognitive
variables has been described by scholars such as David M. Buss as
“assortative mating”, a nonrandom mating, calculated selection if you
may.
NO ELIGIBLE MEN
However,
when women outperform men in school and the workplace, it is very
difficult for them to couple up with their preferred match. There is no
easy solution to the lack of eligible men to couple up with, and some
argue that men need to rise to the occasion and work as hard as the
women. Others would say that women need to tone it down and occupy more
feminine positions in society.
Within
the PhD student halls, there are those who are fortunate enough to meet
someone who shares their cognitive abilities and socio-economic status,
however, there are also many who give up on dating altogether. Instead,
they focus on their careers and go on to become highly successful.
In
the United States context, there has been a lot of writing on the
subject of professional women balancing a social life and a career.
Particularly influential is Susan Patton, or Princeton Mom, as she has
branded herself. She is the author of Marry Smart, and encourages young women to get a man on campus as they pursue their first degree.
Ms
Patton explains that never again will they be surrounded by such a
large pool of intelligent and marriageable men. She also urges women not
to delude themselves that they will be happy to retire to a box of
files every evening. She encourages women to focus on relational
happiness first and career advancement later.
BLURRED ROLES
Her
advice is very similar to that of the parents of the Kenyan baby boomer
generation who shaped their careers around the family. Author Helen
Smith argues in Men on Strike that men in the United States are
pulling back from marriage and fatherhood responsibilities because
institutions such as universities, marriages and most workplaces are
extremely friendly to female advancement and rights while men are
constantly under the threat of domineering women, false rape charges and
biased divorce court systems.
The controversial views of both women have been influential in revitalising the highly polarised global feminist debates.
From
their writings and my academic experiences with high-achieving PhD
women, I am beginning to think that African traditions were not so
oppressive to demand that women devote more time to marriage and family
than men.
The clear distinction
between the male and female roles is something that contests with the
popular blurred roles of urban Kenya. I think it would be prudent if
Kenyan society were careful not to race down the perilous road of
feminism so fast.
A road that is
often cloaked by promises of happiness, freedom of choice and equal
opportunity. We should be wise enough to strike a balance between equal
opportunity and the subjugation of men. So do spare a thought for the
“young and useless” men because a balanced society cannot function in
the absence of men.
THE WRITER’S BIO:
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