I’m 45 and lonely; can I still find a man to marry and cheer me up?

11th July 2016

By PHILIP KITOTO
More by this Author

I am a woman aged 45. I have never been married. I feel very lonely as time goes on. Is there any hope of being happy in a relationship at my age? Where can I meet single men aged 48 and above willing to be in a relationship? PHOTO | NATION

 Summary

• You must have faith in who you are. You have been blessed with a son to be proud of an invest in. Your view of your current stage in life is key to who you will become.
• Some women have become bitter thanks to the choices they made. They are bitter because of the way others treat them, and bitter with God “for not being there for them”. If  you cannot take charge of your life during this stage,  getting married will not give you the kind of joy you are looking for.
• As much as there are many lonely singles, there many more lonely spouses. Knowing this makes us sober. No one is ever going to love you more than you love yourself. Marriage might never solve your loneliness.

I have never been married but have a 21-year-old son. I have never known what it feels like to be loved.

Dear Philip,

I am a woman aged 45. I have never been married but have a 21-year-old son. I have never known what it feels like to be loved. My upbringing was full of rejection and I have not met any man committed to a relationship since those I come across are married. I feel very lonely as time goes on. Is there any hope of being happy in a relationship at my age? Where can I meet single men aged 48 and above willing to be in a relationship?

Please advise.

Hi,

Although being single is not a bad thing in itself, it communicates different things to different people. Let me say that there are cultural and societal pressures, judgments and beliefs associated with being single that often weigh heavily on the unmarried. These, in turn, lead many single people to make decisions that hurt them in the end. In most cultures, the pressure is real. Whether spoken or not, these expectations are rife and seem to suggest that when one gets to a certain point, they should get married.

At this stage in  your life, you need to get some things right as you think about your future. A great starting point is to be convinced that: First, other than the pressures, being single at your age can be an amazing and fulfilling period  in life. As a result, learning to love and affirm yourself is key to living a focused life. Many life coaches agree that, to live positively, a person  must believe the right things and affirm themselves daily. This includes a commitment  not only to think, but also speak, positivity about your life and dreams. There is power in what we say because it is the result of our inner conviction. As a result, what we speak must be backed by a sound belief in, and faith that the choices we make will  have certain consequences.

LOVE OF SELF

Second, you must have faith in who you are. You have been blessed with a son to be proud of an invest in. Your view of your current stage in life is key to who you will become. Some women have become bitter thanks to the choices they made. They are bitter because of the way others treat them, and bitter with God “for not being there for them”. If  you cannot take charge of your life during this stage,  getting married will not give you the kind of joy you are looking for.

What we say about ourselves builds faith, which is important in bringing about positive changes. I suggest that you refuse to let the negative feelings overwhelm you. If you don’t, you could make wrong choices that will be hard to undo.

Third, make an effort to love and care for yourself. If you don’t have the confidence to take care of yourself, caring for your partner will be a struggle, and you will instead expect him to take care of you.  Remember, marriage was never meant to make us feel loved. The important thing here is to deal with anything that leads to a feeling of low self-worth.

Fourth, as much as there are many lonely singles, there many more lonely spouses. Knowing this makes us sober. No one is ever going to love you more than you love yourself. Marriage might never solve your loneliness. Part of the journey you need to make entails recognising and valuing your good qualities.  If you do not recognise and enjoy this stage in life, it might prevent you from recognising the same good in others. Take time and affirm the good you see in your life with your son. Be adventurous now so that you do not live to regret  that you did not enjoy this stage to the full. I am sure there is a lot you can celebrate!